Monday, April 6, 2009

CSI Drama

This post is dedicated to CSI fans everywhere.
Except fans of CSI Miami and CSI New York. Any person who watches those shows and genuinely enjoys them is, as of a week ago, a disappointment to me, my family, science, and the art of cinematography.

Let's start with CSI Miami. Although the show is beautifully filmed and edited, the story lines and characters leave a bad taste in my mouth. Oh and the dialogue! Even an entire episode in French would still make me feel sad.



CSI Miami could be tolerable if Horatio actually looked at people when he talked to them. He starts EVERY SINGLE LINE hunched over and looking at the ground, which is infuriating and annoying. And really creepy. If you think I'm being ridiculous, just watch one entire episode and you'll find yourself overwhelmed with cheesy one-liners and over-the-top drama and...well, Horatio.

CSI New York:
I have absolutely nothing positive to say...
This is the one that people seem to love the most, which frightens me. This show is the reason why I have so little faith in mankind. A show about crime investigation focuses less on the investigation (most of the time we have no idea what is going on) than on the sappy love interests going on in the office. And the cinematography gives me motion sickness. The neverending quest to be hip and edgy via sudden zooms and fast cuts is reason enough to boycott the show.



What bothers me most are the characters. Each NY character is a more attractive double of the LV characters, and seems to be in love with at least one co-worker. And they are desperately unconvincing as scientists. Are we really supposed to believe Gary Sinise is not only NOT a creep, but a straight-laced and intelligent enforcer of the law? Don't make me laugh.

The other CSIs make me laugh. It's like watching a bunch of former models try to solve crime. They stare at the bodies with puckered lips and furrowed brows in a concentrated effort to not only locate the fake evidence on the correct body part, but to remember how to pronounce those big sciency words and in what order.

Simply put, CSI New York is a destroyer of souls and the bane of my existence. And the knowledge that this show is the kind of junk the average Drama T.V. fan fawns all over makes me afraid to go outside and make new friends.